I heard it most distinctly when the nurse paused. A kindly nurse was telling me about the other babies he’d seen born with their eyes open when a stream of words intruded, covering his. Her eyes, against my expectation, were wide open and there was a perplexing chaos of sound in my ears, too many voices in the room for the number of people - soundtracks that overlapped. After about twenty hours I lay against the pillows holding her slippery body.

None of this was too far beyond the pale, I guess, when it comes to unfortunate marriages. After dinner he drove home and went to sleep. Ned did stop by the hospital, apparently, and spent some time talking on his cell phone in the lounge, but he stepped out again for a work lunch, later for work cocktails, and finally for a late work dinner. I went alone to doctor’s appointments to listen for the heartbeat and see the first pictures, and when the time came I went through labor with mostly just medical staff keeping me company. I chose the doll-sized pieces of newborn clothing, set up a nursery and glued stars on the ceiling I crept in at night sometimes to see how they glowed. I drove by myself to buy the various infant containers. It had been an accident, technically more his fault than mine, but who’s haggling? And once it happened I felt I needed to accept it - I wanted to.

After we differed on that point, the point concerning the baby, I began to give up on Ned too. Afterward his schedule got fuller, his long work hours longer, his attention more completely diverted.Īnd I have to admit it wasn’t just him who turned away. Then he dropped his hands and turned away, shaking his head. He looked like a mime climbing a wall - one of the few times I’ve ever seen him look clumsy. WHEN I INSISTED ON KEEPING THE BABY, NED THREW HIS HANDS into the air palms-forward.

Sweet lamb of heaven a novel